Sunday, November 14, 2004

Grandpas dead. I miss him so much. He is the only man that has ever been a constant in my life. Peeps broke into his house the day after his funeral and stole the only things worth anything, his tools and his coin collection. Theres always piranas.

Friday, November 05, 2004

I just need to talk or scream. I just don't feel like I am a part of this world anymore. I can't communicate with people. I don't like them. I don't like them because I don't think they love me. I don't believe in things anymore. I don't believe in unconditional love anymore. I don't believe in real friendship anymore. I don't believe your family will help you when they see you need help. I don't believe people are grateful when you do something kind for them. I believe now that people only want to be around you if you are fullfilling some need they have. Either emotionally or physically. Otherwise you are just a pain to them. I think these people will show up at your funeral and say how sad, but they won't show up at your house while you are alive and help you.
I also believe that no matter how much you love and trust someone that it won't make them love and trust you back.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Damn,, I am so tired. I have been sleeping more & more and the just get's me more dirty looks and heavy sighs. Every bone & joint in my body feels inflamed. I can feel myself getting worse, yet still keep putting off going to the County Hospital. I know it's crazy, but I have this feeling that if I go to the clinic and start the anti-viral medication that I will get worse and die. I don't want to die. Be careful watch what you ask for. So many times I have wished to be gone, wished I didn't exist. Now I am sick though and I don't want to die and I don't want to burden my family and friends. I feel very alone with this. It seems that all anyone cares about is money. I understand, "Still gotta house and gotta eat" It hurt's, but guess I understand. All my life I have felt secure in the knowledge that if you get sick or down that your family will gather around and help you out. Reality is you are on your own, your still expected to contribute,, no matter how bad you feel. There is no free ride.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

I am so tired of being sick. I am so tired of the pain.
I wished I could turn off this everthinking brain.
Oh how I want to go back to the days where I still cared.
There was a point in life when I used to like to share.
I am like the anti-cocaine commercial, the one where life has no meaning,
no joy, no laughter, no feeling, just tears.

Monday, May 24, 2004

I feel like a weed. I don't belong. Someone said to me once that a weed was anything you don't want in your garden or yard. I don't think anyone wants me in their garden. Like the weed, I will suck the nutrients up and leave too little for the greenery that is wanted.