Sunday, September 19, 2004

Damn,, I am so tired. I have been sleeping more & more and the just get's me more dirty looks and heavy sighs. Every bone & joint in my body feels inflamed. I can feel myself getting worse, yet still keep putting off going to the County Hospital. I know it's crazy, but I have this feeling that if I go to the clinic and start the anti-viral medication that I will get worse and die. I don't want to die. Be careful watch what you ask for. So many times I have wished to be gone, wished I didn't exist. Now I am sick though and I don't want to die and I don't want to burden my family and friends. I feel very alone with this. It seems that all anyone cares about is money. I understand, "Still gotta house and gotta eat" It hurt's, but guess I understand. All my life I have felt secure in the knowledge that if you get sick or down that your family will gather around and help you out. Reality is you are on your own, your still expected to contribute,, no matter how bad you feel. There is no free ride.

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