Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

To those of you sitting home like me
With only strangers to share with
"Happy New Year"

We will blog our cheers and hide our fears
We might even play some games
Though nothing much is in our glass
A new year might bring change

Here to finding something to base hope on.

To all of those sitting home like me
With no one to kiss at midnight
I'll care for you and hope that you
Give a half a thought to me.

Auld Lang Syne
by Robert Burns

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o’ lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine,
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary foot
Sin’ auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’t in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie’s a hand o’ thine,
And we’ll tak a right guid willie-waught
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye’ll be your pint’ stoup,
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne!
Times Long Gone
by Robert Burns


Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And days of long ago !

For old long ago, my dear
For old long ago,
We will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago.

We two have run about the hillsides
And pulled the daisies fine,
But we have wandered many a weary foot
For old long ago.

We two have paddled (waded) in the stream
From noon until dinner time,
But seas between us broad have roared
Since old long ago.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend,
And give us a hand of yours,
And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale)
For old long ago!

And surely you will pay for your pint,
And surely I will pay for mine!
And we will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Cowboy

A Christmas Mem'ry
"Where ya bound on Christmas mornin'?"called the blacksmith as Lou passed."Jest headin' out. I plum fergot.One day seems like the last."Lou nodded, once, then rode on off.What he'd said was partly true:a man alone on Christmas daydon't have a lot to do."Where ya bound on Christmas mornin'?"yelled the storekeep and his bride."Jest ridin' out to check the stock."Again he knew he'd lied.Them folks was well intended, seemed,but they wouldn't understandhow Christmas weren't the same fer him,a lone and lonely man."Where ya bound on Christmas mornin'?"asked the Rev'rend by his gate."I got some work that needs be done.I'll likely be out late."Again that weren't the truth a-tall,but he couldn't tell him then,how Christmas service made things worseeach time he'd ever been.Where ya bound on Christmas mornin?If they really cared to know,to an empty, cheerless cabinafter ridin' in the snow.Then the day began a- fadin',and the snow to coverin' tracks.He reined about to head on into a one-room, gloom-filled shack.But, he sensed a change about himas the wind blew bitter, strong.The snow was growin' deeper, andthe way back, now, seemed wrong.Lost in thoughts of bein' lonely,he had failed to note his path.He found himself alone, indeed,and facin' winter's wrath.Where ya bound on Christmas mornin'?Oh the truth behind his lie:to a grave, out here, a fool alone.who'd surely freeze and die.Then the sound of voices singin'Little Town Of Bethlehemnow caused ol' Lou to turn and seea glow now flick'rin' dim.Through a mile of deepened snowdriftshe had reached a cabin wall,and, there, within, a Christmas scenelike those he once recalled.There were logs a-blazin' brightlyand a tree close by the fireall decked in popcorn garland strands,and folks in dress attire.Such a vision stirred his mem'ryand he thought across the yearsof another time at Christmas.His eyes began to tear.Now he recognized the facesof the folks he saw within.There was Smitty and the storekeep,the Rev'rend, all his friends.He opened up the door a bit,"Why, it's Lou. Where did you go?Come in and have a cider mugand shake off all that snow.Ol' Lou was grinnin' ear-to-ear.While he'd been out there bummin',his friends had warmed his cabin fora Christmas Day homecomin'.That evenin' 'fore Lou closed his eyeshe'd a prayer, long overdue,"God bless my friends and neighbors, Lord,and Merry Christmas, too."© 2003, Rod Nichols
Read more of Rod Nichols' poetry here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I want,,,I want,,,I want,,,

"There was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it it got even stronger."
Saul Bellow

Canadian born American novelist, 1915-2005

Henderson the Rain King

Henderson the Rain King is a
1959 novel by Saul Bellow. Eugene Henderson is an unhappy millionaire and pig farmer who searches for meaning and purpose in his life. His desperation at home brings him on a pilgramage to Africa, where he hopes to find a new meaning to his seemingly lacking life. After his first native encounter ends in disaster, he arrives in a new village that soon declares him Rain King. With a new found friendship with the native king, Dahfu, Henderson is brought unwillingly into the king's ritualistic search of a lion thought to be the reincarnation of his predecessor. During this time, Henderson and Dahfu engage in disscussions that help to fill Henderson's spiritual void. Following another disaster and narrow escape, Henderson returns, planning on becoming a doctor.
Henderson the Rain King (1959) follows a similar theme as his previous work, the short story
Seize the Day (1956). Both feature men in or approaching middle age who are plagued by acute desperation and lack meaningful social contacts. While the first ends in a breakdown, Henderson the Rain King ends on a particularly upbeat note, at least in Henderson's eyes. The philosphical disscussions and ramblings that take place between Henderson and the natives and within himself serve as a precursor to Bellow's next novel, Herzog (1964), which frequently engages in similar inquiries into life and meaning. It was said to be Bellow's own favourite amongst his books.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005



Users, losers.
Intentional abusers.

Why are you here?

Hating, abating.
Obviously waiting.

Why are you here?

To feed off the rest.
Ridicule - make jest.

I would like to send you out for repair.
Your tainted.

original post 12-08-2001

Sunday, December 11, 2005


December 1, 1940 - December 10, 2005

Hollywood has suffered a tremendous loss with the passing of award-winning and groundbreaking comedian, writer, producer, and director RICHARD PRYOR, who died Saturday morning, reportedly from a heart attack, at the age of 65. Pryor had been battling multiple sclerosis since 1986, and had struggled with drug addiction and heart problems throughout his life.

The legendary entertainer was reportedly said to be doing well yesterday, smiling, laughing and in general good spirits.
Born December 1, 1940, in Peoria, IL, Richard Franklin Lennox Thomas Pryor endured a nightmarish childhood (which he said included living in a brothel with his mother). By 10, he was on his own, abandoned by his mother, at 14, he had already dropped out of high school and by 17 he was already a father.
Like many others, comedy would become his refuge from the angst of a difficult personal life, as Pryor, who idolized BILL COSBY, first performed a standup act in his local town. In 1963 he ventured into New York nightclubs and established himself with an, at that point, fairly clean, stand-up act.
Apparently it was while doing a show in Vegas in 1969 that Pryor suffered a "breakdown" onstage and left in the middle of his act. He then traveled to Berkeley, where he met and hung out with writers CECIL BROWN and ISHMAEL REED. After getting real with himself, Pryor returned to comedy with his infamous, no-holds-barred routine.

Exposure on TV shows like "The Tonight Show Starring JOHNNY CARSON" and "Kraft Summer Music Hall" led to a job as writer and performer for LILY TOMLIN's comedy/variety series "Lily" (1973), for which he would win his first Emmy (for writing).
Movies came calling as well: In 1967, Pryor made his feature debut in 'The Busy Body,' and continued with memorable roles in 'Wild in the Streets' (1968), 'Lady Sings the Blues' (1972), 'Uptown Saturday Night' (1974), 'Blazing Saddles' (1974), which he co-wrote with MEL BROOKS, and 'Car Wash' (1976).
In 1977, Pryor created his own TV mark with "The Richard Pryor Special," which would turn into the short-lived "The Richard Pryor Show" TV series. By this point America was exposed -- but maybe not quite ready -- for the controversial performer, known for his profanity, self-effacing humor and mimicry of a certain element of the African American community (spoofed in his many drunk and druggie impersonations), which he would use to spout his infamous social commentary.

Most of that material would be seen in his ingenious, outrageous and award-winning standup concert movie specials, like "Richard Pryor: Live and In Concert" (1979) and "Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip" (1982). He scored five Grammy awards for his comedy recordings.
Back on the film front, Pryor was also well known for his partnership on-screen with friend GENE WILDER in films such as 'Silver Streak' (1976), 'Stir Crazy' (1980), 'See No Evil, Hear No Evil' (1989) and 'Another You' (1991). He also starred with JACKIE GLEASON in 'The Toy' (1982), opposite CHRISTOPHER REEVE in 'Superman 3' (1983), and in the 1985 comedy 'Brewster's Millions.

During the '80s, Pryor's struggle with drugs escalated. In 1980 he burned himself severely while attempting to freebase cocaine. In 1986 he was diagnosed with MS, although he wouldn't publicly admit his disease until 1991. He also had heart problems, undergoing a triple bypass operation in 1991.
Despite Pryor's increasingly fragile health, he still worked. His last memorable movie role was opposite EDDIE MURPHY in 1989's 'Harlem Nights.' He also managed to write an autobiography on his roller-coaster ride of a life, called Pryor Convictions and Other Life Sentences.
In 1996, he returned to the small screen and was nominated for an Emmy for his endearing performance as a man with multiple sclerosis in the TV series "Chicago Hope."
Pryor leaves behind a legacy of history-making comedy, which influenced and will live on in celebs impacted by his work, like MARTIN LAWRENCE and Eddie Murphy.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


A Stranger On Earth
Faithfull Marianne
Some fools don't know what's right from wrong,
But somehow those folks belong.
Me, I try for all I'm worth,
But I still remain a stranger on this earth.
Some people gloom, other folk cry.
Me, I have to struggle to keep alive.
Ever since the day of my birth
I've been a stranger, stranger on this earth.
I try to be what all folks should,
Forgetting the bad and doing good.
But no matter how I try,
My troubles always multiply.
Now I've been doing the best I can
Ever since life began.
Some day when I prove my worth
I won't be a stranger on earth.
Now I've been living the best I can
Ever since my life began.
The day's gonna come when I prove my worth
And I won't be no stranger,
No, I won't be a stranger
On this earth.

Monday, November 14, 2005


Some days you have to scream silently
The world squeezes till you screech
Knowing somewhere underneath
it's just beyond your reach
Endure it silently
We all know lifes a beach

Sorry, I got stoned and forgot what I was saying. Where was I........

(just noticed Google added an ad for Marijuana addiction,,,teehee)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Still Smoking

I am not proud to say that I have smoked Marijuana almost every single day for 34 years. It has now become a medicinal for me as well as a recreational. When I started smoking it, you could score an ounce for $10, now it is $100 for the same amount. The pot is better now. When I started smoking , you could tell it was good if it had a lot of seeds. Most came from Mexico, like Oaxacan, but East Texas produced some fine stuff too, then the Californian Green came along. I have to say that California did an excellent job of stopping any of it from getting here to Texas though, once they set thier minds on it. You never see Sinsemilla anymore. I have to go now, but will finish this in a bit!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


I'd love to change the world, but I don't know what to do.
The Who

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Halloween Party

Bwaaaaaa! I have been invited to a Halloween party and I intend to go. Dressing up is fun, guess thats why I chose the Arts. I am going as as Japanese/French Iron Chef HIROYUKI SAKAI. I am not sure if anyone at the party will know who he is, but I will look like an Asian male and I am a caucasian female, so I will do. Iron Chef Sakai is a Japanese chef who specializes in French Cuisine, as well as other types. He is a Master Chef. I don't know but a few people that will be at the party and am only close to one, so I plan on mostly observing. I will let you know if anything interesting happens.

Friday, October 21, 2005


The world has gone insane.
Everyone is guilty
I don't know who to blame.
shame shame


Saturday, October 15, 2005

Oh My Aching Head - October 19, 2005

I felt it before I opened my eyes this morning. Someone had apparently come in my room, as I slept and hammered some type of large nail in my head. The pain was intense. When I did open my eyes, the culprit was gone. I thought, "Maybe , I should go to the emergency room to remove the nail." Instead I took an Elieve and put a cold cloth on my eyes.. I went back to sleep and thank goodness, someone snuck in and removed the nail. I think I will make it now.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


I am thinking that I should have kept this blog private. It has been a refuge. When I started blogging in 2001, this was a place I could go and say the things you can't say. Nonetheless, they were in my head and I felt the need to let the thoughts out, no matter how black or depressing. They are very real to me. Not the kind of thoughts you want family or friends to know about though. They can't fix you, so why burden or worry them.One of my friends did see this after I went public. She was quite concerned about my mental health. Little does she know that writing things out, keeps me stablized. I always said I was insane, but stable. I assured her that most of this was written long ago, I even caught myself going to the archives and editing myself, so she wouldn't read and know how black I am. I don't want to abandon this blog. The good news for me is that she is pretty computer illiterate and probably didn't link to this feed and probably didn't save the addy. I will keep public for now. Maybe there are others like me.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

All is Fresh

I feel renewed by the Autumn rains and the cool sweet air.
She is gone now and I can breath. All is fresh.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I am the odd man out. They all seem ok with things when I'm not here. I don't belong. I died years ago and my body lives on. It hurts all the time, but lives on.
I don't belong.
No one talks to me. They don't want me to talk. They don't want me to care. I am not wanted here. I am dead, but my body lives on.
I hurt and I don't matter to anyone, except maybe to someone who never even met me.
They tell me I am weird, strange, crazy. I worry too much. Yelling Yelling Yelling. Makes me numb. I don't belong.
The things I think, are thought by others, but not the ones here. It is me that is always wrong here. I don't belong.
It would be easier not to care, not to worry, not to tell.
My body is still alive and it speaks even when I know it shouldn't. Just keep quiet. That is what they want from me. An impersonable bot with no feelings. Just do the job and shut up. NO! That is not me. I am real, I have thoughts, I have feelings too. If I speak I will cause them to break. That is what they say. I love me. God loves me.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Great -Granddad Was A What !?!

Jacob William Moultre Grabeel - Margaret Virginia Crockett
Great Grandfather and Great Grandmother

Recently I found my paternal family after a long separation They have a family website, so I have been getting to know them again. Granny and Grandpa died long ago and some of my Uncles and Aunts, but I still have ton's of cousins. I asked for information on my Great Grandparents and I received these pictures and some interesting gossip today. My Great Granddaddy was shot as a cattle thief. He was a scoundrel and the black sheep of the family. My Grandpa always said his Pa was a butcher and sold meat and that's all he would say, neglected to mention he didn't buy the meat he sold. They lived in Virginia, not sure how the family ended up in Texas.
My Great Grandmother was Margaret Crockett from Tennessee. I had heard all my life I was related to Davy Crocket, he was distant Uncle

Mom, Dad and Granny 1951

I didn't know my Dad's side of the family as well as Mom's. I knew them when I was young. My Grandmother was a very sweet woman, she introduced me to books. Gave me Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and Peter Pan for my 6th birthday, as well as a white zip-up Bible with my name imprinted in gold.. I didn't think about it till I was grown - just how ironic that was. She could barely read. She was from the Oklahoma Hills and didn't have a chance for much education, but introduced me to a love of books at six.

Harrison Jocephas Grabeel and Polly Matilda Row Grabeel
(Grandpa and Granny)
My Grandpa was a quiet, gruff German. He was a craftsman and built beautiful wood furniture. What I remember best about him was the loss of one of his fingers while I was staying the day. Granny didn't drive, so he had to drive himself to the clinic. Granny carried the finger in a glass of ice. I was about seven then. Very exciting stuff for me, not for them, it was the third one he cut off. The Doctor just sewed it back on and we went home.


I never heard anything about their parents. I remember some portraits hanging in the front room of their house. My parents divorced when I was eleven and we quit seeing that side of the family. Everyone moved and holidays became telephone calls then became nothing.

The young man is my Daddy, Billy Joe Grabeel.

and this little dollface is me in 1954.

I don't know what happens after we die,, it is scary.I have outlived my usefulness. The only time people treated me with respect was when I had the good job and was bringing home the bucks. I deserved respect less then than almost any other time in my life. I pray more and care more now than I ever did then. I don't lie, steal or ever deliberately hurt anyone. I try to not talk behind peoples backs and I give the benefit of the doubt when there is any doubt. I would never accuse anyone of something unless I see them doing it and then I try to empathize with the situation. I thought integrity counted for something. I know I am getting sicker and can't seem to do anything about it. I am afraid of what I will find out if I go to the Dr. I am afraid of what is happening to my body if I don't go to the Dr. I am a weak, whiny, useless person and I wished I was different. I pray for strength, courage and health to do the things wanted of me. I can't die yet, so I need to make money to give family. I need to ignore these people that devalue me and make me want to be gone.