Thursday, January 20, 2005

I don't know what happens after we die,, it is scary.I have outlived my usefulness. The only time people treated me with respect was when I had the good job and was bringing home the bucks. I deserved respect less then than almost any other time in my life. I pray more and care more now than I ever did then. I don't lie, steal or ever deliberately hurt anyone. I try to not talk behind peoples backs and I give the benefit of the doubt when there is any doubt. I would never accuse anyone of something unless I see them doing it and then I try to empathize with the situation. I thought integrity counted for something. I know I am getting sicker and can't seem to do anything about it. I am afraid of what I will find out if I go to the Dr. I am afraid of what is happening to my body if I don't go to the Dr. I am a weak, whiny, useless person and I wished I was different. I pray for strength, courage and health to do the things wanted of me. I can't die yet, so I need to make money to give family. I need to ignore these people that devalue me and make me want to be gone.

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